this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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