If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
