I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
