this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
