things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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