What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
