He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
