Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
