NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
