9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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