even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
