Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
