This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
