My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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