Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
