I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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