Cold hands, warm shart.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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