Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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