so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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