oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is Oprah even human
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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