my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
