So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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