If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
