Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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