Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
