Church boner. Awkwardddd
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So vagazzling was a success
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
