Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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