Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
