When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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