There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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