The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
