The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
