What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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