I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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