If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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