oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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