Ambien. No doubt about it.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
