is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
