i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
