haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
