Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
