I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
