Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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