Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
