I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
