And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
