He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
