wrigley field is MILF paradise
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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