and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
