I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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