you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
