so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
