theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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