yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
